Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Trying to see the good

I've been absent for a while.  The pain has just been so overwhelming. It seems that it has taken over every facet of my life now. and that really pisses me off. I feel sometimes like I've lost out on a lot and everyday there seems to be something else to add to that list.
I realized a few days ago, how badly I want to paint again. But I cant because my right arm is now effected and I have very little, if any use of it most days.

What am I learning through all of this?

1. I need to allow myself to feel like crap.  I find myself fighting it, almost like if I give in, then the disease wins. But it is to my own detriment. I end up in even more pain. Finding that I have over done it, not taken the extra pain medication, etc. So  when I feel like crap, I ice, I heat, I medicate and I STOP doing for everyone and LAY down!

2. The people that really love you… reveal themselves in times like these. Even when its just understanding why you can do something in once could, or letting you know they are thinking about you. I've found some of my truest friends recently.

3. My children are going fast. And not just in size/age. Lots of changes with all of them. In one child I found maturity I never thought Id see.  I hold them close as often as I can these days, and more and more am reminded that I am a great parent. They ALWAYS  that they come first in my life above all else and ALWAYS know they are loved.

4. Money means nothing.

5. Things that I have been afraid of all my life suddenly seem silly. I watched my first scary movie! I now kill spiders. And I don't care what other people think about how I look. I love me. All of me.

Peace and light everyone…

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Do YOU get it?

People that don't have any experience with chronic pain and illness  just don't "get it". Thankfully I am finding more and more people that do get it, so I am feeling less and less alone.

But its a difficult place to be a lot of the time. people get angry, disappointed and uncomfortable with you always "complaining" about
your pain.

As soon as I feel better Id like to get back to work. Im a self supporting visual artist. But work has been almost impossible the last 6 months or so. Not that my website is up to date or anything (just something else on the to do list) But here it is: 

I found this art exhibit really very interesting.http://www.painexhibit.com/about

Wishing everyone out there a pain free day!

Monday, October 18, 2010

Test results and the waiting game.

And now I play the waiting game with pathology. This is, by far, the worst part. You play out every possible scenario in your mind. It has been keeping me awake at night.  In the meantime, I am healing well and began rehab already. Looking at the incisions, it looks like the scars wont be as bad as I thought they would be. So that's a plus.
 Above is the image of my left knee. You can see on the femur head there is a dark circle ( just above the word LEFT on the image). That was removed. The surgeon said there was lots of debris aggravating nerves as well. So he cleaned it out before closing up. Hopefully that will help with some of the pain too.

Between my back surgery, the Hysterectomy, abdominal mass removals, and now the knee surgeries, I feel like Ive missed out on so many things with the kids.  Part of me feels guilty, and part of me is angry and resentful. I am angry at this disease. It has already taken so much from me. 
How do you get passed being angry? I don't want to waste the time that I do have being angry. It seems like such a waste.

Well Im off today to care for a sick child, and take a sick friend to the doctor.  Its nice not to have the SICKNESS spotlight on me for a while.  
Love and Light.
Remember stay in the NOW. Its all you've got!